he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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