Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
two words...techno handjob
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
