Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
