just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
