My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We left the knife in your bed.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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