WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
