I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
