i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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