I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
