New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
