Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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