So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
