Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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