im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
