It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
please come you make the beer taste better
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
