I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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