I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
