matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
