I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
