the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
