you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
