Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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