If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
