My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
