i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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