Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize