K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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