i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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