God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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