She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
did i just pee glitter
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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