she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Two words: nipple clamps
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