I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
