There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
