fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
