her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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