So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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