I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Randomize
