then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
