He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
