Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
