i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
