I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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