Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
