he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
