i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
