I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
