I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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