Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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