mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
