My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
